Let Me Out Of Here
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March 31, 2008
Prison Rape
"Prison rape occupies a fairly odd space in our culture. It is, all at once, a cherished source of humor, a tacitly accepted form of punishment and a broadly understood human rights abuse."
An observation from the LA Times
I Love War
And I mean Mmmm....MMMMMmmm do I love it. The death, the disfigurement, the despair. Just can't get enough of it. The widows and orphans running this way or that. You just can't beat it.
"Since the start of the Iraq war, there's been a raucous debate in military circles over how to handle blogs -- and the servicemembers who want to keep them. One faction sees blogs as security risks, and a collective waste of troops' time. The other (which includes top officers, like Gen. David Petraeus and Lt. Gen. William Caldwell) considers blogs to be a valuable source of information, and a way for ordinary troops to shape opinions, both at home and abroad. This 2006 report for the Joint Special Operations University, "Blogs and Military Information Strategy," offers a third approach -- co-opting bloggers, or even putting them on the payroll. "Hiring a block of bloggers to verbally attack a specific person or promote a specific message may be worth considering," write the report's co-authors, James Kinniburgh and Dororthy Denning."
Now if we can only find the people paying all these bloggers to over-estimate their own self-importance (and the importance of their profit margins) in this spinning, shitting, entropic wad of random monkey love we call the universe.
March 28, 2008
Invaders
It's Bigfoot's Fault
"A man who claims that he was molested by Bigfoot as a child was ordered to serve 20 years in prison yesterday for his own molestation-related activities."
Consumer Protection
March 27, 2008
Weird Games
March 26, 2008
Clothes of Tomorrow Today
I've started going around saying "ooh, swish!"
Dumb
Dumb people don't know that they're dumb.
I've talked about John McCain's daughter's empty headed prattle blog before, and it makes the E! channel look like a four hour Noam Chomsky lecture.
March 24, 2008
Bummer
From the AP:
"A pair of hoax ads on Craigslist cost an Oregon man much of what he owned.
The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of a Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking, said Jackson County sheriff's Detective Sgt. Colin Fagan.
But Robert Salisbury had no plans to leave. The independent contractor was at Emigrant Lake when he got a call from a woman who had stopped by his house to claim his horse. On his way home he stopped a truck loaded down with his work ladders, lawn mower and weed eater.
"I informed them I was the owner, but they refused to give the stuff back," Salisbury said. "They showed me the Craigslist printout and told me they had the right to do what they did."
The driver sped away after rebuking Salisbury. On his way home he spotted other cars filled with his belongings.
Once home he was greeted by close to 30 people rummaging through his barn and front porch.
The trespassers, armed with printouts of the ad, tried to brush him off. "They honestly thought that because it appeared on the Internet it was true," Salisbury said. "It boggles the mind."
Salisbury could not even relax on his porch swing.
Someone took it."
March 21, 2008
The Black Keys: Attack And Release
New album, Attack and Release, produced by Gnarls Barkley's Danger Mouse. Mean blues that actually has something vaguely resembling a production value this time around. Epic, crunchy stuff, but you better bring a blues bib. Officially comes out April 1 but it's in all those dirty, seedy, no good nooks and crannies of the Internets already.
Also going back this week and gobbling down all those Calexico EPs I never knew existed.
Artificial Anus
"A 78-year-old German woman went into the hospital last month to have surgery on her leg. Because of a mixup, Frankenpost reports that she left the Hochfranken-Klinik in Münchberg, Germany, with an artificial anus."
That's no fun.
So I suppose the next time you think you're having a bad day, you need to remember you could have been accidentally implanted with an artificial anus.
Our Robot Masters
Beijing 2008
Crude perhaps, but effective in protest.
(via)
"Days after the harsh crackdown on protests in Lhasa, Chinese authorities are now arresting hundreds of Tibetans elsewhere in Tibet and Tibetan regions of neighboring Gansu and Sichuan provinces. The Tibetan Center for Human Rights and Democracy reports that in addition to those detained in the riots, 24 have been arrested in Lhasa "on a basis of pre-trial detention." The official Chinese news agency Xinhua reports that 170 "rioters" in the city have surrendered to police following days of unrest "that killed 13 innocent civilians." While Chinese authorities say "leniency" will be applied to those who surrender, the TCHRD questions this, noting the experience of 1989. The TCHRD says over 1,000 have been arrested throughout the Tibetan region, with hundreds more "disappeared." Homes have been raided and ransacked, and monasteries generally remain under occupation by the security forces."
March 20, 2008
Pimpin' Ain't Easy
The reviews for this kids pimp Halloween costume on Amazon are (aside from the dangling racist stereotype) a treat:
"This costume has caused our family all sorts of confusion. We dressed up our son in this pimp suit and took him trick-or-treating downtown. It was pretty crowded on the streets and we lost him for a bit, but when we found him and got him home he took off the costume and he had turned into a 40 year old black man with a strut and a disturbing tendency to want to slap around my wife and teenage daughter. I guess it's nice that he doesn't wet the bed anymore, and he says he can find work for our daughter, which is something he has never shown an interest in before, but we don't understand why he keeps wanting to call her Suga Smoov. Was there some sort of chemical in the fabric that we were supposed to wash out? We think perhaps we should have washed the costume before we put it on little Stevie (who insists we now refer to him as "The Hand")."
and
"I bought this costume for my son to wear on Halloween, he asked me what he was, and I told him, he was a cowboy. Oh you should have seen the looks on people's faces when he told them he was a cowboy and this was a stick up. I immediately put our Halloween video on YouTube for all to enjoy. I can't wait til he gets old enough to be totally embarrassed by it and hate me forever."
The Nike Trash Talk
The new Nike Trash Talk.
I love how in modern America you can have your slave labor third world workforce compile a sneaker out of factory scraps for pennies an hour, sell it for $100 in the States, and get kudos for being environmentally friendly.
"We were really looking for a ‘here and now’ solution to footwear waste, and creating a performance product using waste materials felt like a very innovative solution. Using Nike’s Considered design ethos we were able to create a shoe that stands up to the stringent on-court performance requirements but is also more environmentally friendly.”
What the hell is a "considered design ethos"?
With all due respect, you're a "here and now" jerkoff. I have no idea how some of you people sleep after you get home from a hard day fucking the universe.
March 19, 2008
Empty Gesture
Jennifer Maestre
Apeman
March 18, 2008
"Why Apple Fans Hate Tech Reporters"
Essentially because they tell them the truth.
"Many Americans aren't really very different. In polls, people claim not to be interested in getting "news from sources that share your point of view," and prefer instead "sources that don't have a particular point of view."
But for people who feel strongly about an issue -- for Apple fanatics, for abortion partisans, for folks who think they know the truth about global warming or what's going on in the Middle East -- personal views feel distinct and luminous. Journalistic "objectivity" inevitably produces a muddier picture.
When they come upon that difference -- the gulf between what's in their heads and what's on the page -- the audience tends to assume the worst: The reporter must be licking someone's balls."
March 17, 2008
UFO
Dick
A follow up to this post; the NY Times unearths the real reason for Dick tour '08:
"Vice President Dick Cheney made an unannounced trip Monday to Baghdad, where he plans to push Iraqi political leaders toward opening the country’s vast oil fields to international companies, a senior Bush administration official said."
March 16, 2008
David Lynch On The iPhone
March 13, 2008
Homosexuality Worse Than Terrorism
Now imagine the total global threat posed by a homosexual doing Yoga.
Jennifer Matsui
Tokyo freelance writer Jennifer Matsui's rant in the Village Voice comment section against David Mamet's faux epiphany earlier this week:
"Mr Mamet has recently discovered that the air at the top is more fragrant and more plentiful, and that CEO's, politicos and fat cat Hollywood movers and shakers are swell folks, who contrary to popular perception do not eat small children and hamsters for breakfast. This astonishing revelation comes from a faux leftist who used a sham political stance to advance his career in theatre, but now that he pisses into the same golden urinals as Steven Spielberg and air kisses mogul trophy wives at charity events, he can reveal his true colors while posing as a brave and principled "contrarian" a la Christopher Hitchens, unashamed to publicly suck up to power. I wonder if I abandon my politics and principles and take up the nobler cause of praising war criminals and talking about how cozy I am shmoozing with tycoons if The Voice would give me coveted bandwidth on its pages. Then again, I'm female - meaning I would have better luck trying my hand at a column devoted to praising sex toys."
Speech Without Speech
Hooker-Biting CNN Analysts
From the Associated Press:
"CNN said it shouldn't have used a former U.S. attorney who quit his job after allegedly biting a stripper as an analyst about New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's prostitution scandal."
"Gnome" Terrorizes Argentina
"A town in South America is living in fear after several sightings of a "creepy gnome" that locals claim stalks the streets at night. The midget -- which wears a pointy hat and has a distinctive sideways walk -- was caught on video last week by a terrified group of youngsters. ... "One of my friends was so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital."
Someone's having fun.
Drano Ad - 1932
March 12, 2008
David Mamet: I'm Rich Now. Fuck All Y'All.
David Mamet, now aged and plump with revenue, writes a piece for the Village Voice that's supposed to be an insightful treatise on politics. Like Dennis Miller, now that he's got some bank, he's apparently shaking off the unenlightened positions of his youth, namely idealism, the zany idea that most corporations are out to fuck you, and the ludicrous concept that avoiding war leads to richer cultural paths.
I think he intended the piece as an insightful (though clearly trolling given the title) essay highlighting his own capacity for intellectual change. It seems that Dave, in his later life, has come to realize that, well, everybody he meets is pretty much "good folk," so therefore progressive ideas of social political justice are apparently now irrelevant, because such good people clearly aren't capable of institutional injustice.
Or at least that's my take on it, he lost me once he narrowed his definition of "liberal" to include anyone with empathy and started nibbling the earlobe of Milton Friedman.
I think the piece is supposed to be smart, but it comes across as the verbal masturbatory ramblings of soft late life privilege and isolation. You'll see Dave almost, but not quite identify that the protection of his own wealth spawned his "epiphany", but he quickly brushes the thought aside with a lovely paragraph on the pursuit of the American dream:
"Do I speak as a member of the "privileged class"? If you will—but classes in the United States are mobile, not static, which is the Marxist view. That is: Immigrants came and continue to come here penniless and can (and do) become rich; the nerd makes a trillion dollars; the single mother, penniless and ignorant of English, sends her two sons to college (my grandmother). On the other hand, the rich and the children of the rich can go belly-up; the hegemony of the railroads is appropriated by the airlines, that of the networks by the Internet; and the individual may and probably will change status more than once within his lifetime."
That obviously works in Dave's head, but not so effectively say in New Orleans or on the streets of Baltimore.
I think it's cute that once some individuals get what's theirs, and have securely fenced off their piece of the pie in middle-age, they suddenly throw formerly held ethos into the fire like so much used luggage and pretend that it's personal growth. Mamet's essay isn't about liberalism or conservatism, it's about justifying his newly found political apathy to himself now that his finances have freed him from the pesky ethical questions that arise from direct contact with social injustice.
The man makes a buck, reads Milton Friedman, and then suddenly agrees with the lobotomized free-marketeer belief that profit comes before people at all costs, and this desire should at all times be left unopposed by government OR dirty hippies stinking of humanism and empathy. That's insulting enough, but dressing it up as an intellectual effort to bridge the partisan divide teeters on obnoxious.
Not too surprisingly, people don't much like it when you point out that their entire, supposedly sophisticated philosophical and political identity is really just a phony construct designed to justify their own greed.
If I write this kind of inane prattle when I'm sixty from the comfort of my Manhattan townhouse and vintage whiskey buzz, please come, kick me in the fucking teeth, and take me on a forced refresher tour of the real America -- because I've clearly lost sight of the truth buried neck deep in my own bullshit and benjamins.
March 11, 2008
Ukrainian Mobster Graves
Ukrainian mobsters get...how you say...the most supercool painted gravestones.
Dick Cheney Will Fix Things
Nice opening paragraph:
"With oil soaring to a record $108 a barrel amid mounting signs of U.S. economic turbulence, President George W. Bush said Monday that he was sending Vice President Dick Cheney to the Middle East to raise concerns about oil prices and to press Israeli and Palestinian leaders to move toward peace."
One of the nation's largest oil barons and war mongers is headed overseas to fix high oil prices and forge world peace. When penning an honest report, do we really still proceed under the premise that Dick Cheney gives a flying, effervescent shit about either high oil prices or peace?
I really do wish American journalists had Cojones. They continue to forget their job is to report the truth, not to spew gutless, feigned objective drivel that blows past the truth like it was a broken tractor on the Autobahn. If you're doing your job as a journalist, someone will probably get mad. This glossy, marginally sentient, violently unoffensive style of reporting is simply to protect ad revenue and backsides.
If you're writing a piece about Dick Cheney lowering oil prices and solving world peace and there's not a shred of skepticism (even in the form of contrasting analysis from an expert) you've got fucking problems. I mean seriously -- go write product manuals. "Bias" these days is a word morons use to character assassinate opposing world views, and this desire to portray all things in an even light despite heavy evidence to one particular truth borders on criminal.
BrickArms
BrickArms, for those who believe their LEGOS must be heavily armed.
The mini LEGO Nazis are so very cute.
Van Halen Beatles Mashup
Yellow Brick Road
March 10, 2008
La Pequena Amy Whinehouse
This tiny Chilean transsexual is now a massive YouTube superstar.
March 07, 2008
The American Dream
It May Rain. It May Not.
Is it just me, or are weather forecasters increasingly unable to actually fucking forecast the weather?
"The forecast remains difficult, as we'll have a variety of precipitation types, and some of it could be heavy. Mostly rain will fall along and east of I-81, while just about any precipitation type will be possible west of I-81 through Saturday afternoon. Accumulations are certainly possible, but very difficult to forecast, as the duration of each precipitation type is up for grabs. There is a good chance for minor flooding to occur, with 40% chance at moderate flooding. Again, this forecast is very difficult, and I urge you to check back often for further updates. I'll update this later this evening."
It may rain. It may not. Maybe it will flood. Dunno. I might tell you later on as it's actually fucking occurring. I like ham sandwiches. Thanks.
Food Prices
Binghamton
My home town of Binghamton, NY was previously known for two things: clouds and IBM.
IBM has fired the majority of their workforce there and moved them offshore, leaving a polluted water table and high cancer rates as their major societal contribution.
It's a sad city that's perpetually in year two of a fifty year plan toward resurgence. Until then, it remains a struggling hulk of faded 1940's opulence that's little more than a rusted rest stop for the majority of NY State.
The city has some great things to offer, but they're buried under the gutted shadows of industry giants. It's undergoing a glacial metamorphosis -- spearheaded by artists, who are buying up entire buildings, living upstairs, and putting their galleries downstairs. The art scene is now pretty vibrant for a city of its size; but you wouldn't notice above the dull roar surrounding the 4-year-old-painting prodigy gone sour.
I attended one of her gallery exhibits, where the art prodigy concept attracted a large number of fawning NYC traders and gallery owners, who under any other circumstance would self-importantly mock the family, the gallery, and the street it resides on as provincial. They likely deserve their fair share of the "credit".
I think while the mother was at work, the Dad coached the kid and even finished some paintings. After the Marla rocketship launched, he told a white lie about not lending a hand. As the phenomenon grew, he couldn't turn back, and the result is a sad fucking mess.
There's now a documentary out that explores Marla. Poor kid is going to grow up and be pissed that daddy used her as an art prop.
My hometown of Binghamton, NY will now be known for two things: clouds and pint-sized art scandals smudged in acrylics.
March 06, 2008
Apple Fellatio
Jesus Christ just blow them already.
Kiwi (Mad World Version)
Sigh
March 04, 2008
David Choe
Space Alone
March 03, 2008
The Internet Gets Revenge On a Puppy Killer
I don't have the sick fuck rubberneck gene, so I didn't watch the video.
But if you're going to make a video about throwing a puppy off of a cliff and post it to the Internet, you probably might want to make sure you're anonymous, lest you get identified and face the retribution of thousands of angry animal lovers on your social networking website.
Ethics, Courtesy of Techcrunch?
I think that's two Mondays in a row Techcrunch, frequently bashed for being conflicted, has seen fit to give journalism ethics lectures.
I love what upsets these Silicon Valley-cocooned techno-celebrity bloggers. You can be the most VC incestuous Silicon Valley money vacuum that ever walked the earth, blending journalism and public relations until what passes for reporting is an orgy of conflicted half-truths and promotional noise, but for god's sake don't be critical of somebody's personal life on a rumor blog?
Yeah, golly, thanks for that Monday morning lesson in integrity.