Altovis: Speed for Soccer Moms
Listen, People.
When you're on the go, it?s easy to feel run down. A candy bar or soda pop may provide a temporary boost, but it quickly wears off and leaves you more exhausted than you felt before. You need a source of lasting energy. No, not vegetables. You need Altovis.
Chronic fatigue can be a sign of something super fucking serious, so if you suffer from prolonged, unexplained lethargy or weakness, see your doctor and ask for some other very expensive poorly understood medication that's much cheaper in Canada. However, if you have an active life and need extra energy to keep up, fuck coffee - try Altovis.
Or you could try exercise, you gut-less invertebrate. You could try not working 80 hour work weeks where you raise your child via cell phone and illegal immigrant. You could try to eat some fucking fish and salad now and again instead of stuffing your bloated maw with french fries and sugar water.
We're sorry. Did we say that out loud?
Feeling slightly anxious about speaking in front of 800 people this weekend? Feeling a little down after your husband and two daughters were smeared across the North bound lane of Interstate 81? You may need Paxil. By soaking your brain in Serotonin you won't feel a god damned thing. Come personal tragedy or job loss, you'll function at the hippest Manhattan cocktail parties with that glassy-eyed look that lets others know you're "doing ok(TM)".
This is how it works:
Well, actually, we're really not sure how it works.
Anyway, look at this cute rock cartoon. Birds and such seem uninteresting to you? Some days you hate your job? You wanted to be a rock star but now sell insurance? Some days you feel a little sad, right? Wonder what the fuck you're doing here?
You may be suffering from a serious and dehabilitating disease called awareness. Awareness is a potent disease that affects an increasingly dwindling number of Americans.
Symptoms include but aren't limited to:
Being able to see other people's motivations when they believe they're being clever or mysterious; A deep rooted and full understanding of just how permanent death is; the realization that God is a fabricated method of control developed by man and responsible for more bloodshed than any other single-thing the planet has ever known; not laughing during Ben Affleck comedies.
If you suffer from any of the above symptoms, you may need help. You don't need to feel ashamed that you're aware. Thousands of people learn to live semi-full lives once we identify and correct the damaging thought processes that lead to complete awareness. Via the poorly monitored haphazard administration of brain chemistry altering narcotics, we can have you back to watching your favorite programming in no time.
Some days you think life seems like an absurd joke. We understand. You think people spend too much time worrying about money, their jobs, and their asses or abs when we're all going to die anyway. You think there has to be more to life than waking up every day and doing the same god-damned thing over and over and over again - just to pay for a bunch of goods and services you really aren't sure you actually need.
Each time someone dies young - Bob in marketing with that fucking bizarre aneurysm was the most recent - you feel a bizarre tug. Like a canoe getting caught up on a submerged branch. For a moment you understand how fragile life is. You even think to yourself you'd like to break out of this redundant system and perhaps make some decent use of whatever time you've got left on this planet, letting those around you truly understand how much you love them.
If those thoughts don't fade halfway through American Idol, you're suffering from awareness. You're sick. We can help. If you've got pesky scientific questions that won't go away despite our best efforts, try Religion (TM). We've heard good things.
** Occasionally our patients simply blow their brains out - and because our understanding of our own product is marginal at best, we have no idea why. Be aware; the desire to file a lawsuit means you need to up your dosage.