Altovis & BS "Nutraceuticals"
There was a point I was getting 600 hits a day from Google folks looking for more information on Altovis, the speed for soccer moms too stupid to take naps and eat vegetables.
My rant about this new "nutraceutical" showed up on the first page of a Google search (before I purged this blog and restarted), which I'm sure the product's manufacturers were really pleased about. I know I am.
It also made it to the Wikipedia entry for Altovis, which I find equally amusing.
If my bitching causes one person to save their money, I've done something.
"Wagner Nutraceuticals", the makers of Altovis (and Avlimil, a "female sexual enhancement" pill), are essentially the modern incarnation of snake-oil salesmen. There's currently a class action lawsuit started by the thousands of suckers who purchased "Enzyte", a herbal knockoff of Viagra that doesn't fucking work, but is advertised like a real drug.
What's confusing to me is how Wagner has somehow received the green light from the FDA and FCC to lie during the nightly news. They are a class down from idiots at flea markets who try to sell you magnetic wrist bands and arthritis curing crystals. Easy solutions that work for two months because the power of persuasion is potent. The only difference is Wagner has hired a real web designer and marketing department instead of handing out shitty pamphlets from a booth next to a guy who sells Ninja stars.
The total bullshit success stories on the Altovis website are worth reading if you're bored.
"Stephanie is the mother of a five-year-old and a three-year-old. Both are very active, and keep Stephanie on the go constantly. As a result, she found her energy level dropped dramatically in the afternoon, leaving her totally exhausted by 4:00. Her lack of energy raised complaints from her husband that she never wanted to 'do anything.'"
Nudge-nudge. Say-no-more. Wink-Wink.
"To "recharge his batteries," Bo had always relied on coffee in the morning, sugary soda in the afternoon and evening, and a high-sugar, high-carb 'energy drink' when he needed a major boost. Unfortunately, the high sugar levels in these drinks played havoc with Bo?s natural systems, leading to even more dramatic lows whenever his blood sugar would drop. Luckily for Bo, his girlfriend convinced him to try Altovis."
But, you know, as the website tells you, the "Success Stories are dramatizations of user results and not actual consumer testimonials." Stephanie and Bo don't actually exist.
And the cocktails these non-existent people are taking is little more than Ginseng and caffeine in teal wrappers.
Now tell me, why is the FCC so bothered by a tit and the word "fuck" but has no problem with modern day snake-oil salesmen pumping the airwaves full of pseudo-medical bullshit? Also note that evangelicals can faith-heal on satellite television with little to no repurcussions.